Yep, that's right, I'm losing it. I should be happy and shouting it from the rooftops. But I'm not shouting. And I'm not exactly happy. For the last two weeks, what I've been losing HASN'T been weight. Or inches.
What I've been slowly losing is my "mojo." I've been losing my drive, my determination, and my "stick-to-itiveness." I'm tired of eating well, and I'm tired of exercising. My enthusiasm is waning fast.
And that's nothing to shout about from the rooftops.
This funk feels strange to me because most of the time, I try to stay upbeat and positive. I rarely rant, and try not to whine. I remind myself every morning when I wake up that I just have to get through this ONE day. All I have to do is just be positive, and just be healthy, just for TODAY.
But right now, I'm SICK of eating healthy food. And I'm frustrated with pushing myself to workout so hard, and enduring all the exercise I despise, only to be disappointed in the (almost nonexistent) results. I'm so tired of drinking water I could vomit. I'm beyond bored with eating so many fruits and vegetables. My midday fatigue is a clue that I am not getting enough carbs or protein, but there is no protein (other than cheese and bacon) that doesn't make me want to retch. And the only carbs I really want come in the form of chocolate chip cookies.
I'm often hungry, but there is not a single piece of (healthy) food that I want to eat anymore. If I see one more salad, one more boring chicken breast, another hot mess of brussel sprouts or pile of fresh asparagus on my dinner plate, I'm gonna throw the whole damn plate at the wall. "Let the dogs have it!" I want to scream, "I don't want the healthy stuff any more! Bring on the Chef Boyardee!"
Since I've been doing this "lose weight, get healthy" project the last two months, it seems all I have done is continued to lose and gain the same five pounds over and over. Five measly pounds hardly seem worth it. I don't look or feel any different - or any better - than when I started. Every day still feels like an uphill battle when it comes to getting motivated to exercise.
And lately, I feel like I'm getting closer to giving up the fight.
Because even though I've been exercising five to seven days a week, and have been quite strict with my eating the last month (even tracking it online), none of it has been enough to make a REAL difference. Five pounds does not make much of a dent when you want, and need, to lose closer to forty or fifty.
As I sit here eating baby carrots while I type, I want to puke just looking at their glowing orange "goodness." All I can think of is how much better they would taste if they were drenched in Hidden Valley Ranch dressing. I have to push down my sudden desire for a two or three big slices of greasy pepperoni pizza drowning in melty mozzarella and parmesan cheeses.
I have to ignore my subconscious, which is crying out for a massive plate of carb-filled spaghetti with double-meat mushroom sauce, accompanied by huge slices of garlic cheesy bread. And I have to chastise my inner child, who has been begging for a double scoop of Tutti Fruitti's crunchy vanilla gelato and a piece of chocolate cake from the Secret Garden restaurant for weeks.
Yes, I know it's ALL "bad" for me, but it's all I want. Sadly, I can only stuff another baby carrot in my mouth and wipe my bottom lip before the drool (created by thinking about my other decadent desires) can escape.
It's all I can do to promise myself I will not quit.
But I must vow to not ruin this small amount of progress I have made. I will follow through with what I've started. And I can take solace in the knowledge that someday, somehow, I will get healthy and I will lose weight.
Did you hear me, you goddamn hateful, stinking "lose weight, get healthy" project? I am telling you I WILL NOT QUIT! You are stuck with me, as I am stuck with you.
I will not quit.
And someday….. I will win.
Hopefully that someday will kick in sooner rather than later. I just got the news that my friends have set a date for their special event, and I will be returning to Iowa in September to be there for them. I am thrilled and so excited to be able to share in their special day.
But I am also terrified that I still won't have made any progress by then. According to the internet, their date is only 120 days from today.
I know I have my work cut out for me. I have four months, a mere 120 days, to make some serious progress. I guess I better go out and get started. I'm gonna go take a walk, and take some time to look for my mojo. Maybe I can find my "stick-to-itiveness" while I'm out there as well. Wish me luck!
It's been a week since I last wrote, and the fall-out from strep throat has really been kicking my butt. But I've still been exercising and doing my best to eat right so I hopped on the scale this morning, and I'm down another pound! That's a five pound total in the last two weeks - woo hoo!!! I'm excited!
In my last post, I talked about my challenges with finding foods that are both healthy and appealing to me. Today, I have to divulge that I also have some challenges with finding exercise activities that work for me. And I know it might be hard to believe, but I'm almost as picky about my activity as I am about my food!
One activity that I actually do like is power walking, both indoors and out. What I really love is to do is take the dog along on a hard, fast power walk through the village, especially in the morning, because as I always say, a tired dog is a good dog! But a new morning commitment and our tropical temps heating up have put a damper on that, at least until the school year ends.
Fortunately, I have been finding some really good videos on YouTube, and most recently have been doing Leslie Sansone's "Walk Away the Pounds" series at home later in the evening. I also like to do low-impact cardio and moderate weight or strength training activities using small dumbbells.
I've found I like the Jillian Michaels "30-Day Shred" and "Ripped in 30" series, which are pretty low impact, at least on "Level 1." Even though I find Jillian's harsh, gravelly voice annoying, and I don't really like her "drill sergeant" manner, the workouts are challenging without being beyond my capabilities, and I can modify the moves I can't (or won't) do.
Another activity that I do enjoy is dancing, including Latin-style and Zumba, and I've found a few interesting videos, but so far I haven't found one that I'm coordinated enough to do. I'm going to keep trying them, though, because dancing makes me happy. And if I can ever get my brain to direct my body properly to get the moves, I'm gonna rock that dance floor!
But I do have some other challenges that affect what I can or can't do for exercise. I have a chronic condition caused by an old repetitive injury (and not helped by diet or exercise) called "costochondritis." Basically, it's like having intermittent and recurring inflammation in the cartilage between the ribs and the sternum, a type of "chest-wall arthritis." It's pretty manageable, but repetitive twisting of my ribcage or excessive weight-lifting exercises (like chest "flys") can exacerbate the condition, causing a great deal of later discomfort. It's not debilitating, but I do have to be mindful that some of the exercises (on any given program) may cause me chest pain afterwards, and decide for myself whether I want to endure it.
I also have a few things I simply won't do. I won't work out on a beach--I just don't want to get that sweaty and dirty in the sand, or ruin my clothes or (only pair of) tennis shoes. I absolutely hate kickboxing, even though I did it religiously for almost six months one spring and summer. I also simply won't hop, skip, or jump. I refuse to do burpees, jumping jacks, or box jumps. And I'm never going to jog or run. Dear hubby and I recently had a conversation about this subject, and he said, "You're never going to jog or run, are you?"
This was my answer, "Imagine your balls weighed twenty pounds each and were strapped to your chest with wires and elastic so tight you can't breath--but they still bounce. HARD and HEAVY. Now imagine running or jogging, and bouncing around like that. You tell me, you gonna jump up and down? Or run or jog? Or just walk?"
If you've seen the size of my "girls," you would understand why the bounce hurts so much. Believe me when I say I seriously cannot find a sports bra that doesn't allow the "girls" to bounce, or make the bounce not hurt like hell. I've tried wearing two or three sports bras at a time--with no success. I've even tried compression tanks over the sports bras to no avail. And we haven't even got to the part where I tell you that bouncing and running also hurts my ankles and my knees.
Maybe I'll change my mind if I ever get smaller, but as of right now, jumping, bouncing, jogging and running, are definitely on the "won't list." And that's why power walking almost always wins out on my exercise plan right now. It's what's working for me currently, and has worked for me in the past. I would like to do some more strength training, and am enjoying the Jillian Michaels videos occasionally.
But for now, I am happy that cleaning up what I'm eating--IN ADDITION to excercise--is what seems to have made a difference. I may be making baby steps, but those baby steps are finally starting to make a difference! And I'm going to keep going, even if I have to crawl.
I'm including links below to the videos I am doing most often. Please believe me when I say if I can do them (me: a 46-year-old, out of shape, exercise hating, bulging and rolling fat cow, with lots of health issues, who refuses to run or jump) YOU can too!! See you soon!
Forgive me for my absence. A case of strep throat, and my tummy's bad reaction to the medication, had me sidelined me for a few days. But I'm on the mend, and finishing up this post after starting it last Thursday. As I mentioned in my last entry, I'm getting serious about making some real progress with my "lose weight, gain health" project.
With that goal in mind, I've been tweaking my food choices, cutting out processed foods, drinking nearly three liters of water most days, and trying to do cardio and/or strength training every day. But the hardest part for me is eating better and dealing with "my wills & my wont's." What are my "wills & my wont's"? Well, they're the things I will and won't eat. You see, I have a few food phobias which makes eating healthy challenging for me.
Ok, I admit it, I don't just have "a few," I have a LOT of wacky food issues. I am an extremely picky eater, have been all my life.
My parents' favorite story about me as a toddler was about trying to get me to eat mashed potatoes. They'd cram a spoonful in my mouth, and then close my mouth so I couldn't spit them out. But I repeatedly refused to swallow them. They even tried slipping me something to drink, thinking it would all wash down together. To their surprise, I would swallow the liquid, only to stick out my tongue and still have the potatoes sitting there.
As I got older, my parents realized trying to get me to eat what I didn't like was futile. But like many families, if I didn't eat what was served I didn't get anything else either. As a result, I often went hungry, but I didn't care. I learned to go without food with no problem. I simply wasn't going to eat what I didn't like, even if that meant not eating anything at all. And it's an ingrained habit I still struggle with to this day.
So let me give you a few examples of my "wills and won'ts" so you can understand my challenge. I have an issue with freshness, or a lack thereof, especially with fruits and veggies. I won't eat anything that's too ripe, blemished, overly bruised, questionably "old," or limp. Anything not at the peak of perfection, or not fresh and crisp, or even slightly wilted is simply out of the question. I may want it, and I may even buy it. But I can guarantee you if it's even the least bit questionable, it will rot in on the counter or in the crisper drawer before I'll ever eat it.
But it gets worse. I also won't eat leftovers, and I don't like food that has been prepared ahead, refrigerated or frozen, and then reheated. Unless it's meatloaf, chili, or McDonalds! But I won't eat cold foods that have gotten warm. Or hot foods that have gotten cold.
I'm a complete freak, I know. But wait, there's more……..
I also have issues with textures. I don't like foods that are mushy or squishy or slimy or stinky. I'll pass on most puddings, yogurts, custards, or cream fillings. I also won't eat bananas unless they are just barely ripe. And I can live without mango, papaya, kiwi, etc. Furthermore, I can't even begin to get excited about fruit or veggie smoothies like everyone else. To be honest, I find smoothies unappealing and the idea of "drinking your food" a little disturbing. And don't even get me going about seaweed shakes. Seriously, who eats (or drinks) weeds that grow on the ocean floor?
All of the above? Definitely "won'ts." But that's not all…….
I'm also extremely fussy about meat. Any meat (other than ground beef) has to be as "clean and stripped" as possible. I won't eat any meat that has a bone in it, like chicken wings, ribs, or pork chops. And fish? Well, fish is just slimy, stinky mush that makes me sick to my stomach. I also get especially nauseous at the taste of any fat, sinew, tendon, gristle, the smallest bone, or (god forbid!) skin or scales. Which is why I never order meat or fish in a restaurant. Ever. I learned the hard way.
Ironically, I'm not a vegetarian, and I will eat some meat at home, such as lean beef tenderloin, or pork, turkey, and chicken as long as it is lean, boneless, and skinless. And I do love corn-fed, farm-raised, (steroid-filled!) Iowa ground beef. It's divine when grilled about as rare as can be with some cheese and dill pickles.
Heck, I even used to eat raw hamburger with just a little salt, although I wouldn't do that here in Belize.
Strangely enough, I love and will eat seafood, like shrimp and lobster, as long as done well and it's completely deveined and "de-shelled." And I will eat conch if it's chopped up small and mixed in other things, (like ceviche or fritters). And I will even eat some kinds of sushi! But when I do eat meat or seafood, if it's not prepared absolutely near-perfect, I'm done. Sadly, I've gradually found myself becoming an unintentional, "almost" vegetarian the last few years.
So what does that leave me to eat, or what am I eating if I'm not eating processed junk? Well, mostly more veggies, such as broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, tomatoes, avocados, onions, cucumbers, and lots of lettuce salads. For my fats, I've been using real butter, olive and coconut oil, tossing in the black olives wherever I can, and adding a little ranch dressing or real mayo occasionally.
I've also added a crap-ton of fruit lately, something I used to limit for fear of the carbs and sugars. I especially like watermelon, pineapple, cantaloupe, strawberries, green apples, and green grapes. I've been doing some reading, and I've decided I need to let go of the idea that natural carbs and sugars are "bad." So, if it's a whole or "natural" sugar or carb and my body wants it, I'm going to have it (within reason).
I also tend to lack in the protein department since I won't eat much meat, so I've been eating a lot of hard boiled egg whites. (Yolks are a definite "won't" so the dogs get those!) I've also been eating nuts, cheddar & mozzarella cheese, beans I cook myself, bacon with tomato in "lettuce wraps," and I've been making boneless, skinless chicken breasts in different ways.
So what's changed is that, basically if it's pre-packaged or has to have a bona-fide "government" nutrition label on it, I'm not eating it. I'm mostly just eating better food, listening to what my body wants, and only eating whole and NATURAL foods.
And here's the REAL deal, my friends. As of today, even though I haven't felt well enough to exercise much, I've lost FOUR pounds! Amazing.
But I gotta be honest. Given the chance, I'd still eat a Big Mac and an extra large fries, or a foot-long BMT at Subway in a heartbeat. Or some rare and juicy, steroid-laden, antibiotic-filled (but tastes-oh-so good!) Iowa ground beef on a big poppy-seed bun, slathered in dill pickles, cheese, ketchup and mustard. It's what my body still craves, even two years removed. It's a good thing we don't have any of that here in Placencia, because I love that shit. But not eating crap, and cutting out anything that isn't whole or natural, is what is finally allowing me some progress.
So even though I say it grudgingly, thank you, Belize, for not having fast food.
And there it is, just a small sample of my "wills and wont's." I know, I know, I'm a complete wacko when it comes to food. It's just the way I roll.
Surely I can't be the only one whose food phobias make it hard to eat "clean" and healthy. Or am I?
And if you think this was weirdly fun, just wait until the next post, which is going to be even better! I'm going to share my list of my Do's and my Don'ts! See you soon!
