What I've been slowly losing is my "mojo." I've been losing my drive, my determination, and my "stick-to-itiveness." I'm tired of eating well, and I'm tired of exercising. My enthusiasm is waning fast.
And that's nothing to shout about from the rooftops.
This funk feels strange to me because most of the time, I try to stay upbeat and positive. I rarely rant, and try not to whine. I remind myself every morning when I wake up that I just have to get through this ONE day. All I have to do is just be positive, and just be healthy, just for TODAY.
But right now, I'm SICK of eating healthy food. And I'm frustrated with pushing myself to workout so hard, and enduring all the exercise I despise, only to be disappointed in the (almost nonexistent) results. I'm so tired of drinking water I could vomit. I'm beyond bored with eating so many fruits and vegetables. My midday fatigue is a clue that I am not getting enough carbs or protein, but there is no protein (other than cheese and bacon) that doesn't make me want to retch. And the only carbs I really want come in the form of chocolate chip cookies.
I'm often hungry, but there is not a single piece of (healthy) food that I want to eat anymore. If I see one more salad, one more boring chicken breast, another hot mess of brussel sprouts or pile of fresh asparagus on my dinner plate, I'm gonna throw the whole damn plate at the wall. "Let the dogs have it!" I want to scream, "I don't want the healthy stuff any more! Bring on the Chef Boyardee!"
Since I've been doing this "lose weight, get healthy" project the last two months, it seems all I have done is continued to lose and gain the same five pounds over and over. Five measly pounds hardly seem worth it. I don't look or feel any different - or any better - than when I started. Every day still feels like an uphill battle when it comes to getting motivated to exercise. And lately, I feel like I'm getting closer to giving up the fight.
Because even though I've been exercising five to seven days a week, and have been quite strict with my eating the last month (even tracking it online), none of it has been enough to make a REAL difference. Five pounds does not make much of a dent when you want, and need, to lose closer to forty or fifty.
As I sit here eating baby carrots while I type, I want to puke just looking at their glowing orange "goodness." All I can think of is how much better they would taste if they were drenched in Hidden Valley Ranch dressing. I have to push down my sudden desire for a two or three big slices of greasy pepperoni pizza drowning in melty mozzarella and parmesan cheeses. I have to ignore my subconscious, which is crying out for a massive plate of carb-filled spaghetti with double-meat mushroom sauce, accompanied by huge slices of garlic cheesy bread. And I have to chastise my inner child, who has been begging for a double scoop of Tutti Fruitti's crunchy vanilla gelato and a piece of chocolate cake from the Secret Garden restaurant for weeks.
It's all I can do to promise myself I will not quit.
But I must vow to not ruin this small amount of progress I have made. I will follow through with what I've started. And I can take solace in the knowledge that someday, somehow, I will get healthy and I will lose weight.
I will not quit.
And someday….. I will win.
Hopefully that someday will kick in sooner rather than later. I just got the news that my friends have set a date for their special event, and I will be returning to Iowa in September to be there for them. I am thrilled and so excited to be able to share in their special day.
But I am also terrified that I still won't have made any progress by then. According to the internet, their date is only 120 days from today.
I got told I my cholesterol is going up too much and I have to either go on a medication or change my diet and exercise. I hate taking medications unless I absolutely have to diet and exercise it is. That was only a weak ago but I do experience those longing looks at cheese and café lattes and other related milk or meat products that helped create the problem. So I am cheering you on from here where I am working to change my diet as well. Luckily, I like salads and legumes so that will help. My take-out food will pretty well be Chinese and I will get back into raw vegetables like I used to use more often. Step by step, day by day. Sometimes our internal beliefs can get in the way of our progress. Finding what is in the way, may help. I know I am working on that one as well.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya! And believe me, if I could figure out what is in the way, I'd feel so much better emotionally and physically! I've tried so many things in the last few years - but my body just WON"T let go. It's very frustrating!
DeleteHey, just curious. Do you incorporate a cheat meal or day into your plan? That"s what Body for Life recommends. Chris Powell has you cycle low and high carb days. WW has you bank points for special treats. Just thinking out loud here... I hear you. Believe me. Remember: variety is the spice of life.
ReplyDeleteThanks Denise - I'm not really following any specific food or eating plan - just trying to eat only fresh, whole, natural foods - basically anything that comes in a package or needs a "nutrition" label is off limits. Sweets are also off limits as I have no self control - I can't seem to eat just one cookie or two bites of cake. If I eat out, it's salads, chicken or ground beef in some form, or something filled with lots of veggies. I'm logging everything I eat on My Fitness Pal, and staying within the range they set for me for caloric intake, but maybe I need to find some kind of more specific plan that works for me!
DeleteIt is hard, no doubt. For a while it's going to feel like your body is screaming at you for the junk. That could well be because you have an overgrowth of candida in your system (as a huge percentage of the population does, but they don't know it), and candida lives on sugar. If you are killing it, it's going to scream. But stick with it, and one day you will notice that you aren't craving that stuff. And your body will have figured out that you really mean this--you're going to help it work the way it should. That's when you'll see a big drop. Then you'll plateau for a while, then another big drop somewhere down the line.
ReplyDeleteOne secret: Don't try to change everything at once. Too much too soon leaves you feeling like you do now-hating food, hating exercise, hating your attitude toward life. You didn't get where you are overnight, and you won't get back overnight, either. Your positive attitude is critical to your success. Don't let this tiny bit of your life that involves food take over your personality. You are so much more than that.
And by the way, carrots aren't that great for watching your weight. Neither is Chinese food, unless you make it yourself and don't use a lot of oil. Oh--protein? Lay in a supply of almonds and almond butter. You don't need a lot, and all the oil in them is really good for you. You do need some fats in your diet to allow proper metabolism.
Hang in there!
Thanks Debbi - it's a challenge! One thing that's hard for me is that most of the stuff that's healthy is stuff that I don't like, or the stuff that I do like that is healthy is so freaking expensive that I am reluctant to buy it! The food market is so different here in Belize. But the carrots are cheap, and definitely better for me than the Grandma's peanut butter cookies I'd rather be stuffing down my throat :)
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